


Beyond the struggle

by LittleSopSop



Series: Beyond the ... [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: ChalexWeek2020, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:34:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25729759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSopSop/pseuds/LittleSopSop
Summary: It has been a while since Charlie's last visit, but he is excited to see Alex once more. Ever since Alex had become closer with his housemates he started to enjoy college life more. He started attending parties and made some friends.Charlie is happy for his boyfriend, but where does he fit into all of this?Chalex Week 2020, Day 6: Jealousy
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Series: Beyond the ... [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866334
Comments: 12
Kudos: 63
Collections: Chalex Week 2020





	Beyond the struggle

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely people!
> 
> So I wrote a companion piece to Beyond the surface.  
> It also fits into ChalexWeek day 6: jealousy. It is a bit late but I'm a slow writer. So please excuse me.  
> Also this makes more sense if you read the first part probably, but I don't think it is necesary to understand this one.
> 
> A huge thank you to [Ricoka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ricoka/pseuds/Ricoka) and [syazzypanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/syazzypanda/pseuds/syazzypanda) who were kind enough to look over it and give me some pointers.

It was almost Spring Break when Charlie finally found time to visit Alex at Berkeley once more. Ever since the first time he had visited – approximately a month after the move – Alex had been able to settle in more.

Surprisingly enough his housemates had come around after a rather rough start. When he asked Alex how it had happened, he had seemed just as clueless as Charlie had felt. Apparently, Mason had come to him out of the blue, apologized for his behaviour and requested a do-over.  
It had started slow. Alex was after all still a sceptic and didn’t really trust this fragile truce, but after a while of prodding on Mason’s part, he eventually opened up bit by bit.

Since then Charlie had visited a few times and had been able to get to know Mason and the other guys a little bit. They seemed decent enough and just like he thought they really did grow to care for Alex. It only took one look behind that prickly façade Alex liked to keep up, to understand that once you had Alex’s trust, he was incredibly loyal and kind. Something Mason, Jeff, Thomas and William seemed appreciative of.

Charlie was glad that after the rough start, Alex had found people here at Berkeley that looked out for him.

Being friends with Mason meant that Alex also had started to go out more to experience college life. He still wasn’t a fan of parties and often enough he would decline the invitations Mason extended, but it was all in good fun.  
Alex hadn’t told the guys about his TBI yet – that would also mean telling them about the suicide attempt and that was a can of worms he didn’t want to open – but they were more understanding now, nonetheless.

Normally Alex would come visit them at home. Charlie liked having him there and he appreciated the support on the field whenever Alex would come to a game, but Charlie preferred the times he had been able to come to Alex instead.  
Whenever Alex came home, Charlie had to share him with his family. Don’t get him wrong he loved the Standalls, but he didn’t see Alex most weeks and appreciated some alone time with him. On top of that it was much harder to get any privacy . They always had to deal with nosy parents.

At Berkeley, the other guys were more accommodating to their need for alone time. Sometimes they could even be persuaded to let them have the apartment for the night in exchange for some of Charlie’s cookies.

Tonight though, there would hardly be any alone time. Alex had invited him to a party at his place. Well, Alex had called it a casual get-together with drinks, but whatever.

Right now, Alex was busy helping Thomas and Mason fill the bathtub with ice and beer. William was dealing with the sound system and Charlie had been relegated to helping Jeff in the kitchen.

“Can I ask you something Charlie?” Jeff asked. He currently was neatly spreading cheese on crackers. Those were an addition Charlie hadn’t imagined would be something that could be found at a college party, but then he never had been to any before.

“Of course. What’s the matter?”

“I don’t mean to pry, but well you know Alex has really opened up to us and I’m so glad that we found a way to get past the unpleasant start, but I feel like he still holds back. Especially with me. And we just don’t know why. I get that he needs time, but he kind of flinches away whenever it is about me. He isn’t rude about it, but I notice it and I don’t know what I did to cause it.”

Charlie looked up to Jeff, who had finished the crackers and now gazed at him sincerely.

“It isn’t really my place.”, Charlie started. “And I can’t speak for Alex, but there was a guy at our school he knew. He … uhm … he died in a car crash. His name was Jeff. So, I think that your name reminds him of that. I don’t think it is you personally he has a problem with.”

Charlie wasn’t too sure if it was really his place to tell, but he could also see that Jeff was indeed trying to get closer to Alex.

“Oh shit. I’m so sorry man. I didn’t know. Fuck. That could explain a lot. He … uhm… how do I word this? He sometimes gets this melancholic, faraway look. Like he kind of smiles, but he still looks devastated. It is hard to describe.”

“Yeah. He does that. Look it is not my story to tell, but Alex didn’t have the nicest time in high school and I’m grateful that you guys are there for him. It does mean the world to me”, Charlie replied.

At that Jeff started laughing. “Gosh you are so sweet. Alex always tells us you are, but you know he is biased. When he talks about you, you kind of seem unreal, but you are actually that great.”

Charlie blushed a bit at the complement, but the more important part was that Alex talked about him. A warm fuzzy feeling spread in his stomach at the thought of Alex telling these people about them – telling them how much he appreciates Charlie.

“He does? Talk about me I mean?”

“Of course, he doesn’t like to talk about himself, but he definitely mentions you quite frequently.”, Jeff said with a smirk.  
“Sometimes he doesn’t even seem to notice, that he does. He is quite in love with you, if you’d ask me.”

A smile appeared on Charlie’s lips and a warm wave seeped through him. His need to be close to Alex was extraordinary, but instead of giving in to that urge he just took the next bag of chips and emptied it into a huge bowl, all the while he couldn’t control his grin.

The ‘get-together’ was casual, just as Alex had told him. The cheese crackers made more sense now. A total of about fifteen people had come. They all had something to drink in hand, but otherwise this was nothing like college parties in the movies. It was so much more sophisticated.

The music was just background noise and people were talking in smaller groups, while snacking on crackers, chips or Charlie’s cookies.

“Yo Charlie! What’s going on?” William had come over to him smiling. “You look like a deer caught in headlights”

“Yeah well, this is just nothing like I imagined a college party to be like.” Charlie snorted while he pointedly looked at the group of people currently playing Scrabble. It made Will laugh. After a while he nodded.

“You are right. It wasn’t a thing until Alex became part of the group. He told us that the loud music can cause him severe headaches. Well he didn’t tell us directly, but it was obvious. So, we thought maybe a chill get-together would be nice. And here we are. These gatherings got so popular that we had to limit the invitations. Who would have thought that a private soiree would be the go-to place on a campus? Anyway, take care Charlie. I’m in dire need of more beer.”

With those words Will turned around and left Charlie to his own devices again. He seriously should find Alex. The ‘party’ was nice, but he had missed Alex and wanted to spend more time with him. Even if that meant sharing him with the group.

Charlie let his gaze sweep the room in search for Alex. When his eyes found the familiar mob of hair, he stopped in his step. He could hear Alex’s laugh. Not a snort, but a full-on belly laugh and that was something Alex barely ever did.

Opposite of Alex a guy in jeans and a nice grey dress shirt sat on one of the recliners. He was leaning forward, smiled at Alex fondly and to Charlie’s horror reached out and squeezed his boyfriend’s thighs. Charlie held his breath. He didn’t really know how to react to the scene in front of him.  
He was confident in himself and his relationship with Alex. When the situation with Winston took place, he was protective of Alex. Winston had the potential of ruining Alex, so it was just natural that he would be wary of him.

It was the honest truth when Charlie said that he didn’t feel threatened by Winston in regard of being a competitor for Alex’s affection.  
Ironically for someone who liked to pretend that they didn’t care for anything or anyone, Alex had a decent track record. Not that Charlie could blame any of them. He out of everybody knew best, how much of a catch Alex truly was. And even though Alex’s kiss with Zach had caught him somewhat off guard it never had led to these kinds of feelings.

“You know you have nothing to worry about, right?”

Charlie flinched and startled out of his thought process. Unbeknownst to him, Mason had come over and laid a hand on Charlie’s shoulder.

“Mike over there totally has the hots for Alex, but it is completely hopeless. Alex would never betray you and he might not show his love for you as loudly as you tend to, but it is ever-present. I’m actually quite jealous of what you two have.”

Of course, Alex wouldn’t betray him like that. He still remembers the talk they had about Alex’s relationship with Jess and how much hurt her cheating had caused him. The possibility of Alex cheating had never crossed his mind.

Then Charlie processed the second part of what Mason had said. It hadn’t been the first time, that someone had told him that Alex loved him. It filled his heart with joy, but he couldn’t shake this anxious feeling deep in his belly.

Was he really jealous of this random guy? Granted he had managed the feat of making Alex laugh, but Alex had become more and more comfortable over the course of being at Berkeley. He seemed so much more … free. Like he had shed the weight of high school and everything that was connected to that time. He had started to enjoy himself again. What had started at their prom dance, had led to this: a laughing, comfortable Alex.

The realization made him swallow. Why did he feel such melancholy at the idea of Alex finding his happiness once more? That was after all what he had wished for.  
For a moment it puzzled Charlie and then he realized what his problem was. He wasn’t jealous that this admittedly attractive man liked Alex more then he should. He wasn’t even jealous of him making Alex laugh or touching his thigh. What bothered him was that Alex had managed to move on from high school without him.

“It is not so much that I’m jealous of this Mike. I think I hadn’t realized how great Alex is doing here … without me. It just feels like he is moving on from everything connected to high school while I’m still stuck there.  
Don’t get me wrong I am so happy for him. You can’t imagine how proud of him I am. He has been through a lot and he deserves everything, but I somehow imagined it to be a journey we would share.”

For a moment Mason looked at him contemplative. It was like he knew exactly what Charlie was talking about, but not sure how to word his answer.

“Charlie, you know it is normal to feel left out. Everybody does sometimes. And going to college, it is a huge transition. It can be difficult to balance exploring all the new possibilities while still holding onto the familiar. Alex making progress without you here doesn’t mean that he is moving on from you.”

Mason pauses and slightly shakes his head.

“I’m probably not the best candidate for giving relationship advice, but I can understand this fear of missing out. I actually was in a relationship with this girl when I finished high school just like you and Alex. We were in the same year, but she got accepted at Columbia. In the beginning we tried doing the long-distance thing, but that didn’t really work out.”

“Why?”, Charlie asked before he realized what he had said. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.”

Mason just shrugged it off.  
“Hey it’s not a big deal. What I actually wanted to tell you is that, we were so obsessed with what the other person did without us, that we lost sight of what was truly important. And in the end it was what caused us to breakup. It took me a really long time to realize that what we experienced separately wasn’t what caused the failed relationship. It was the way we couldn’t let the other develop on their own.” 

“So what you are saying is that I shouldn’t feel jealous of Alex making progress cause it is natural?”

“No.” Mason shook his head. “First off, whatever you’re feeling is valid. Never let anyone tell you how to feel, okay? But that wasn’t the point I was trying to make. I was trying to explain that time apart and personal development don’t necessarily mean that you two are growing apart.  
I think that Alex tries to move on from whatever holds him back from completely committing to you and your relationship. I cannot claim that I truly know Alex, he is still very private, but I do notice your impact on him. He is much more relaxed whenever you two FaceTimed and don’t get me started on his excitement when he prepares to leave for one of your games. Whatever it is that he is moving on from, it is definitely not you. Sometimes the best we can do is give some space and let the other person know that you’re there when they need you.”

Charlie was a bit overwhelmed with, well everything. What Mason just had told him wasn’t a completely new concept, but he never expected it to apply to his situation.

“I need a moment to think.”, Charlie admitted quietly.

“Alright. You know where Alex’s room is. Should I send him after you or do you need some space?”

Did he want Alex with him? The answer was yes. The answer had always been yes. With Alex he felt … like he could conquer the world with ease.

“Yeah. Would you ask him to come to his room?”

“Of course, Charlie.”

“Thanks. I do appreciate it, just like our talk.”

“No problem, dude. If you need anything else just ask.” That said, Mason patted him on the back and left to fetch Alex.

It was still a mystery to Charlie, how this Mason was the same guy that had caused Alex trouble in the beginning, but he was pleased that he had turned out to be a better friend to Alex than anyone could have hoped for.

The bedroom Alex occupied was small. It only fit a twin sized bed with a nightstand, a dresser and a desk. The walls were covered with posters just like they were at his parent’s house.

Slowly he sat down on the bed. While waiting for Alex he once again took in the small room. He noticed the succulent on the windowsill he had gifted Alex on his moving day and one of Charlie’s football jerseys lay neatly folded on the dresser. The more he looked the more evidence he found of himself in this room - like the empty lunch box he used to transport his cookies or the photo of them as prom royalties that had found a space on the nightstand. Small little details that he hadn’t noticed before.

He was deep in thought when Alex opened the door. Alex came over to the bed, got rid of his shoes and cuddled close to him. For a while nobody said anything. They just sat on the bed and relished the closeness. Automatically Charlie started drawing small circular movements with his hand on Alex’s back.

“Why did you leave?”, Alex eventually asked. “Normally it is me who wants to leave.”

“I was having some trouble figuring stuff out. Mason actually helped me.”

Alex’s nose crinkled. It was utterly adorable and made Charlie smile.

“What was the matter? Did someone say something?”

“Not really. I saw you with that Mike guy and it made me uncomfortable.” Before Alex could interrupt him, he continued: “I know I don’t have to be jealous of him and I’m not. But it made me realize that you are living this awesome college life and that you started to move on while I am still stuck at the place you so desperately try to forget.”

Silence filled the room once again, before Alex sat up straight and looked him properly in the eye.

“I’m not moving on from you. You are one of the few reasons I started to believe I could be happy again. I’m fucked up.”

That wouldn’t do. Charlie opened his mouth to protest, but Alex silenced him by saying: “No it’s true. Sarah said that anybody would be a bit unstable if they experienced what I did, and I haven’t even told her about the most fucked up stuff. I know that I’m not the easiest person, but I want to be able to be there for you too. It always has been you saving me, and I just want to be a person you could rely on and be normal with. I don’t want you to see me as this fragile little flower that needs constant care.”

“But you are so resilient Alex. And I trust you. I know you are more than capable. I really love seeing you happy. It is all I ever wanted.”

Their foreheads touched and Charlie instinctively closed his eyes. He basked in their intimacy. This way he felt so close to Alex it was almost too much.

“I’m so glad I found you, Alex. I’m so in love with you.”

And even though he knew it and heard it from several different people tonight his heart almost burst when Alex whispered: “I love you too, Charles Hayden Brixton St. George. And you make me so happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. It truly is exhilarating to have such a lovely community.


End file.
